your parents love me but you hate me
He uses pillows to masturbate.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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