in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize
