the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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