did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
