I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
