clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
