Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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