dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
