You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
