i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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