I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
