just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
