Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
