I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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