i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
