Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
