tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
