you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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