Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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