Moan for me like Helen Keller
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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