dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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