Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
