I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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