hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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