im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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