There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize