chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
