$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
