Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
You left your phone here
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