The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
Operation Purity has been aborted
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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