me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize