So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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