the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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