last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
