I can text with my tongue
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
