can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
