Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Are my feet made of real feet?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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