I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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