The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
There's always time for handjobs
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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