I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Two words: blizzard sex
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
