Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
