OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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