I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
