but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
