I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
