oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
