fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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