So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
