i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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