I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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