when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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