remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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