i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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