and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize