Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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