She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
