When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
