My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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