I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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